Of Birthdays and Bashes
by Carnal Coffee Bean Catastrophe
Summary: -James' birthday is a little more eventful than even he planned on... which, to him, is not necessarily a bad thing.  T for language only.
1. Of Breakfasts and Bothers

_-Hey, all! I'm terribly sorry- I removed this from my "one-shots" category, as it's technically not a one-shot, and I'm not sure just how far I want to run with this one. Sorry for any confusion this might have caused! Thanks for reading, and please enjoy! Oh, and I own nothing. Characters, no. Scene, no. Air, no. How does one own air? Anyways, all things Potter-verse belong to JKR!_

o.O.o

-Today was James' fifteenth birthday. He glanced up from his plate of eggs and bacon down the table, towards where Lily sat, talking and laughing with her friends as if it was just any other day. Any other normal, ordinary day. Which, to her, it was, he sighed. He watched with hot eyes as she hugged her friends, got up, and walked to the other side of the room, neatly wrapped packages in hand. Apparently it was someone else's birthday, too. As she walked by, people turned to smile at her, or exchange a few words. Which was completely normal, of course- everyone liked Lily. She was a saint; gorgeous, funny, popular, charming, unfailingly kind… a veritable angel amongst the Hogwarts population. She had a knack for people, too. She always knew when something was up, when comfort or space was needed, she knew what to say or do in every situation. And, of course, her talent for giving out the perfect birthday gifts was legendary. He watched as she hugged a second-year boy, smiling from ear to ear, announced loudly, "Happy birthday, McLager!", and handed him a box. He opened it, and his eyes grew wide. He spun around to gaze, open-mouthed, at Lily, and gasped, "How did you know?" Still grinning, she shrugged and walked back to her friends. McLager's expressive thanks filled the Great Hall as she sat down between her friends.

James glared at the boy. Sure, it wasn't his fault that Evans was such a nice person, but really- to give a present to a boy she didn't even know, and not to him? He'd known her since the first year!

"James, mate," chortled Sirius, "You might want to stop glaring at McLager. I think he just wet himself."

"I wasn't glaring!" James quickly retorted, oblivious to the incredulous looks from his friends. "I'm just… happy that he got what he wanted." From Lily, his traitorous mind added. If it was from anyone but Lily, it wouldn't have mattered. But since it was…

"If it bothers you that much, James, go ask her where yours is," Sirius suggested.

"That… might not be a good idea," Remus cautioned.

"And why not?" Sirius shot back. "He'd get his answer, wouldn't he?"

"More like he'd get something thrown at him," Remus scoffed, then turned to James.

"Seriously-" he ducked, as bread rolls whizzed past him from all sides at alarming speeds. "No pun intended, no pun intended!" he yelped. "But really, James, I wouldn't ask her outright. Your point-blank question method has a record of getting… confrontational." His gaze wandered to James' eyebrows. "At least wait til you've recovered from her last hexing before you try it again." He added. James absent-mindedly reached up to his eyebrows, which were still in the process of growing back. They hadn't figured out how to switch back the color-charm, either; earlier this morning, they had been a bright, revolting neon yellow, but thankfully, they had switched to a pale aquamarine.

"But I want a present! It's not fair! She even gives them out to the Slytherins, for Pete's sake. It's my birthday!" he whined.

"Then go get it," Sirius grinned.

"Don't do it," Remus warned.

James wavered for a moment between Sirius' eager grin and Remus' dire prediction, then stiffened his shoulders and set off to confront the girl of his dreams.

"Hey, Evans," he smiled as he reached her table.

"Mind if I join you?" he asked awkwardly, as none of the girls made a move to invite him, but simply sat, gaping at his audacity.

"Of course," Lily was the first to recover, graciously offering him the seat beside her.

"Thanks," he smiled, pleased at how well it was going. There was an awkward silence for a moment, as the girls sized him up, and he tried to think of the best way to proceed.

"Sooo…," he started. "It's my birthday," he said finally, sweat pooling a bit on his upper lip as the girls continued to stare at him wordlessly. Lily looked at him evenly.

"Oh, is it? Well, happy birthday, then," and with that, she turned back to the conversation he had interrupted.

"Wait," he interjected, feeling a bit desperate. Lily glanced sideways at him.

"Yes, Potter?" she asked.

"Well, it's just," he began, wishing that he had just kept his mouth shut and followed Remus' advice- why did he never do that?-,"you normally give out birthday presents to everyone, and-"

"And you were wondering where yours was?" she finished for him. "Well, Potter, I didn't know it was your birthday. And, even if I did, I don't make it a habit of giving out presents to arrogant little toerags such as yourself." She tried to turn back to the girls surrounding her, but they were now all leaning in, intent on hearing every word of the newest confrontation between Potter and Evans. She sighed and turned to face him fully, resigned to a Potter-filled morning debacle.

"Geez, Evans," he sighed dramatically, "you'd think I was the worst guy on earth, the way you treat me. I'm really not that bad, once you get to know me. And," he arched his eyebrows, "I am not little." The girl sitting to the left of Lily giggled. Lily gave him a pointed look. "Look," he started, exasperated with the situation, "I really don't care about a present or whatever."

"Then why did you come over here and bother me about it?" Lily asked, hands on her hips. Remus, who had moved to a position behind Lily's back, was mouthing, _"Abort! Abort!"_. Sirius, next to him, raised his hands, clasped in the air, and was cheering silently.

"Ok, so maybe it is. But, Evans! You give birthday presents to everyone else except me. Why do you hate me so much?" She glared at him.

"I've already explained a hundred times at least, Potter- you're a bully, and so full of yourself I'm surprised you haven't exploded already." Potter rolled his eyes.

"Yeah, I know that one. You've told me one hundred and thirty-seven times, by the way. Now, cut the shit. What's the real reason?" She stared at him open-mouthed for a few seconds, then shook her head, as if to clear her thoughts.

"I don't know what you're talking about, Potter," she stated, looking anywhere but at him. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I have homework I need to be doing." And with that, she pushed past him, rushed from the table and out of the Great Hall.

"What was that all about?" Remus asked, he and Sirius striding up to James where he sat, a thoughtful look in his eyes.

"Dunno…" James murmured, not taking his eyes off the door Lily had stormed out of seconds before. "But I mean to find out."

o.O.o

Back in her dorm, Lily stared at the small, neatly wrapped package lying innocuously on her bedspread. "Well, guess I won't be needing that anymore," she muttered under her breath, and tossed it into the trashcan. Glancing back at it, she wavered, then, resolute, turned on her heel and walked out the door.


	2. Of Boxes and Beloveds

-With an ominous _creeeak_, the door to the Fifth Year Girl's Dormitory slowly swung open. Three heads slowly peeked out, one on top of the other, peering cautiously into the room.

"Is she here?" the curly-headed blonde on top of the stack whispered, glancing anxiously at Lily's velvet curtains, swaying in the breeze of the open window. The short brunette at the bottom straightened out and replied, "I don't think so, guys." She ducked under the curtains surrounding Lily's bed, then announced, "Ok, it's clear!"

The other girls immediately clambered through the doorway into the room.

"So… where is it?" The blonde asked, green eyes glinting mischievously.

"Where's what, Alice?" sighed the brunette, falling back on her bed with a _whoof_.

"The present, of course!" Alice replied indignantly. "Did you see how she looked at James? She _has_ to have gotten him a present!" The willowy beauty leaning against the wall rolled her eyes.

"And how do you know that, oh wise one?" She raised one eyebrow at the currently bouncing blonde. Alice stopped. "Because! That's how it happens. It's the classic love-hate relationship. The lofty, unattainable woman despises the lowly but charming and ridiculously handsome young man, but slowly, through time and perseverance, comes to find that he's not the person she thought he was at all, and bada bing, bada boom, true love!" She fake-swooned onto her bed, pillow clasped to her chest. Her friends exchanged an amused glance.

"Been reading your Jane Austen novels again, Alice dear? Or was it Disney movies this time?" Alice sat up and glared at the brunette.

"Make fun all you want, Andy, but true love is real. And it's happening-" she widened her eyes for dramatic effect- "right before our very eyes!" The other two glanced at each other and nodded.

"Jane Austen it is," Zahira stated.

"Well, fine," Alice huffed, "but I know for a fact that Lily got James a present!" The girls looked at her incredulously. She turned away and started rustling through Lily's wardrobe.

"It's got- to be- here- _some_where," she muttered. A shoe, perched precariously on top of a stack of boxes on the top shelf, wobbled, then fell and hit the unsuspecting rummager in the head. "OW!" "Karma's a bitch, ain't it," Zahira laughed.

"It's not in there," Alice panted.

"You barely searched!" Andy pointed out.

"I did too! If it was for James, it wouldn't likely be small, would it?" Alice retorted.

"Uh, you guys…" Zahira pointed at the trash can, the edge of which was decorated with the loop of a shimmery red-and-gold bow.

"_See?_ I _told_ you!" Alice squealed, as she danced over to the trash can and rescued the neatly wrapped box.

"So… congratulations," Zahira drawled. "You found it. Now what are you going to do with it?"

"I'm going to give it to James, of course," Alice replied absent-mindedly, as she checked the gift for any signs of damage due to its stay in the garbage. _Whump!_ Alice glanced up at her two captors, currently pinning her against the bed.

"Uh… guys…?" she arched an elegant brow.

"_No._" Andy ordered, voice brooking no room for debate. "You are _not_ getting involved in this. This is between Lily and James."

"This isn't one of your romance novels, Alice. This is our friend, ok? No getting involved." Zahira cut it. "_EVER_." They finished, glaring ferociously. Alice looked up at them, wide-eyed, present still in hand. Then, "How do you guys _do_ that? It's like you read each other's minds or something,". Andy threw her hands in the air; Zahira gazed, boggled, at the blonde.

"_Really?_" Andy exploded. "That's _all_ you got out of that?"

"Yup," Alice smiled. Andy sighed.

"Scarecrow, meet brain," Zahira muttered under her breath.

"Huh?" Andy looked at her incredulously. "Don't tell me you're going crazy, too!"

"No, you dimwit, it's a Muggle reference," replied Zahira.

"Oh. Well you didn't have to be so mean about it…"

Alice smiled as two of her best friends continued to argue, slipped out from their grasp, and snuck to the door. Present tucked safely behind her, she chanced a glance back at the two, still absorbed in their conversation. "This is for all of y'all," she whispered, then tiptoed down the stairs.

o.O.o

Later that day, James threw his bag carelessly onto his bed and _fwoomph_ed down next to it. Something small and edged dug into his back, and he jumped up with a wince of annoyance. He looked down and found, lying innocuously on his bed, a neatly-wrapped parcel. He flipped it over and found the tag, reading in small, elegant cursive, "From: Evans. To: Potter." He grinned ear to ear, tearing through the wrapping. He pried open the box, working cautiously- what if Evans had figured out a way to fit hexes in cardboard without the box combusting? He peeked one eye into the box. His eyes widened, his mouth gaped open, and he sank down to his bed, stunned.

o.O.o

_A/N- The story kinda got out of hand, and I wouldn't have been able to complete it, with everything I wanted to include, in a three-shot, so I moved it out of the "one-shot" category and into a whole new story! How exciting! Sorry for any confusion this might have caused, though. Right now, since I was intending for it to be one-shots in the beginning, it seems rather like a collection of one-shots instead of a decent story. However, in later chapters, it's going to be more cohesive and story-like. Which is nice, for a story. So I'll probably be re-writing these first two chapters sometime in the future. So, what did you think of Lily's friends? I really tried, but I couldn't bring myself to call a character by the name of Hestia. I'm sorry. Any name that sounds like some sort of vaginal disease will not be associated with my writing. Are Zahira and Andy too alike? Should I exaggerate differences between them, to make them seem less like one person? (I'm slightly worried about them.) How goes the reading? Is it easy, does it flow, is it what you're looking for? I'm new at this, people. Your wish is my command. As usual, reviews are amazing, and, also as usual, anything in Potter-verse belongs to JKR!_


	3. Of Buddies and Brains

"_Where. Is. It?"_ Andy asked for the hundredth time, slumping against the bedpost. "I swear, we've searched the room a zillion times! How could we have not found it?" She moaned, hand over her eyes. Zahira grinned.

"Well, Andy, if Alice ever becomes sick and has to hand off the role of drama queen, you'd be a right shoo-in," she quipped. Andy moved her hand to shade her eyes as she glared at Zahira.

"Z, sometimes you are a right pain in the ass." She moved to sit down on the rumpled bed. Zahira sat down beside her, looked her mock-seriously in the eye, and responded,

"Only learned from the best, love." Andy pushed her off the bed.

"What are we going to do?" Andy ignored Zahira's indignant, "Ow!" and jumped off the bed to face her, hands on her hips. "You know Lily's going to go crazy when she finds out it's missing."

Zahira settled herself, limbs akimbo, on the floor. "We could keep looking, I guess…"

"It's not here," Andy stated flatly. "If it was, we would've found it by now." She looked around. "But where could it have gone? I mean, it's not like it had wings…"

Zahira slapped a hand to her forehead and groaned. "Andy…"

Andy glanced down at the despondent black-haired girl sprawled across the dorm floor. "I don't like that tone of voice, Z."

"When did you last see Alice?"

Andy sucked in a breath. _Alice._

"She wouldn't."

Zahira leveled her with a gaze.

"She would."

"Yeah, she would."

There was silence in the dorm for a few moments, as Andy plotted ways to get the damn present back, and Zahira plotted ways to throttle the blonde causing them so much trouble.

"So, what do we do?" Andy rolled over to the edge of the bed to look at Zahira without resorting to contortionist positions.

"We get the present back, of course," she replied evenly. "Then we find Alice and explain to her again why meddling in other's affairs is wrong." Zahira grimaced.

"My version of dealing with Alice was much more satisfying."

Andy pushed up off her bed with a groan. "You know you love her," she grinned.

"I'm seriously doubting that," Zahira grumbled. Andy laughed.

"Come on, let's go save Lily's present."

o.O.o

Remus Lupin was stretched out on his bed, reading, when he heard voices echoing up the stairwell. He frowned. Hearing voices in the stairwell was not an uncommon occurrence- it was a stairwell, after all, and things tended to echo- but typically, he could identify the voices. These voices, however, he couldn't place. They were too high-pitched to be James, Peter, or Sirius- but what would a first- or second-year be doing this high up the tower? In fact, Remus mused, they almost sounded like girls'-

The door burst open, and Zahira and Andy stood in the doorway, slightly out of breath. "No wonder they're all so fit!" Andy said, glancing back to Zahira as she entered the room. "Got to walk up those bloody stairs every day- you'd get a six-pack from that alone!" A tentative cough sounded from across the room, and the girls looked around to find a rumpled and rather surprised Remus standing stiffly beside his bed. When neither of the girls made any attempt to explain themselves, Remus raised an eyebrow.

"Can I help you?" he asked. Zahira gave Andy a _look._ Zahira had meant it as a "Will you just snog him already and get it over with?" look, and Andy had interpreted it as a "Will you just snog him already and get it over with?" look. Remus, however, was firmly in the dark as to the interpretation of the _look_, and remained looking faintly surprised, bemused, and curious, for which Andy was fervently grateful.

"Well," Andy began, blushing furiously and shooting Zahira a pointed look of her own, "We were wondering if you had seen Alice today."

"Alice?" Remus thought back. "Not really, why?"

Andy shrugged. "Just wondering."

Remus snorted. "You're in my room and asking about Alice. There's a reason."

"Did James get a box, about yea big, red ribbon?" Andy gestured with her hands, evading the question- rather skillfully, she thought.

"I… don't know," Remus replied slowly, brain a blank slate. "You're welcome to check in his area, if you like," he added, unsure of what else to do.

The door banged open again, and all three of them jumped. Sirius breezed through the door, stopping dead at the sight of the two teenage girls and Remus in the middle of the room. He looked at Remus, winked, and waggled his eyebrows suggestively. Remus just rolled his eyes.

"So," Sirius started as he stripped off his shirt, choosing to take his good old time in picking another one to wear, "what brings you lovely ladies to our door? Not that I mind, of course," he winked at Zahira. "Hey, Joker."

"Hey, Sirius," she replied wearily, though a hint of a smile tugged at her features. Andy looked between the two and groaned. Remus secretly agreed with the sentiment.

Zahira frowned at Andy, then turned back to Sirius. "We think Alice stole Lily's present for James and gave it to him." Sirius and Remus looked bemused.

"Lily had a present for James?" Remus asked.

"Why would Alice steal it and give it to him?" Sirius chimed in.

"And why would that be a problem?" Remus finished.

"Yes, because Alice is a hopeless romantic and also somewhat delusional, and because James if James thinks it's Lily that gave it to him, it's going to be war." Andy answered. "Now, which bed is James'? We need to see if he's gotten that dang present yet."

Remus gestured towards the one on the far right- the messiest of them all. "Be careful," he warned. "Last time I went in there, something tried to eat me."

Andy looked at him incredulously.

"He's not kidding," said Sirius, his voice muffled by the shirt he had thrust over his head. "Funny thing is, I'm pretty sure the thing that tried to eat him was once food." Andy wrinkled her nose in disgust.

"Uh… guys?" Zahira's voice cut through the conversation. "We got a problem."

Lying in front of her was the remains of Lily's wrappings. The box was empty.

"Oh, hell," moaned Andy.

"Ok, so why is this a problem again?" Sirius asked, as he plopped down, fully dressed, on Peter's bed.

"Because," Zahira sighed, exchanging a worried glance with Andy, "Lily's not going to believe that James just found it. We found it in the trash. She's going to think he stole it somehow. And personal space is kinda a big thing for Lily. Mainly because of you guys," she added as an afterthought. "Point being, it'll be a Big Fight."

Remus cursed under his breath. "Alice," he muttered, his tone making the name into a kind of expletive.

"Alice." Sirius, Andy, and Zahira agreed.

Sirius groaned. "Well, since we have to go face our doom sometime…" He offered Zahira his arm. "Shall we lead the way, m'lady?" Zahira rolled her eyes, but took the proffered arm. "Corny fuzzball," she muttered, and punched him lightly with her other arm as they walked out of the room.

Andy and Remus stood awkwardly in the middle of the room, neither looking at the other. "So, I guess we should go," Andy began, staring at her shoes.

"Yeah," Remus agreed, silently berating himself for not thinking of something wittier to say.

"By the way," Andy offered over her shoulder as they headed for the doorway, "were you kidding when you said something tried to eat you?"

Remus grinned. "Yeah, barely made it out alive," he boasted. "Got scars and everything."

"Well, that's rich, considering your attacker was most likely a piece of pizza."

"Hey!" he protested, chuckling a little. "It was a magical piece of pizza- that's got to count for something. It had fangs," he added.

She scoffed. "Cheese fangs- real danger there."

"The fangs were made of stale bread, thank you very much."

"I'm sure."

"They were!"

Andy raised an eyebrow, and Remus laughed. "That's my line normally, you know," he said as they walked out of the doorway.

"What is?"

"The eyebrow."

"Ah, the Almighty Eyebrow."

"The almighty eyebrow?" Remus cocked his head at her questioningly.

"Yup. The Almighty Eyebrow. It asks all, says all, and answers all," Andy nodded.

Remus nodded thoughtfully to himself. "That pretty much describes it perfectly."

"I know," Andy looked at him flatly, "That's why I said it."

Remus snorted. "Want to go look for Lily and James?"

"What's there to look for? Just walk out of the common room and follow the noise."

"True," Remus grinned as they clambered out the portrait hole.

"Right on cue," Andy muttered, as raised voices echoed throughout the castle. She grinned and turned to Remus. "Come on- we can't let them have all the fun!" She grabbed his hand and started running in the direction of the screaming.

_A/N: Not crazy about this chapter, but it'll do. Reviews are welcome, appreciated, savored, and loved. I know Remus is a bit OOC at the end. It's a bit late, and tiredness does not help when trying to focus on characterization of a character. I'll probably re-do the last conversation, but for now, it'll do. I own nothing Potter-verse-wise; it's all JKR's. _


	4. Of Books and Bashings

o.O.o

Lily Evans was getting perturbed.

Ok, she thought to herself as a golden flash of light raced around her head for what must have been the hundredth time, maybe perturbed was a bit of an understatement. She scowled and burrowed her head deeper in the textbook she was reading, as the golden Snitch quickly reversed its tracks and made a pass at her again. Just what I need, she despaired, another reminder of this morning and breakfast… her thoughts detoured into what she privately called Potterville, the place in her mind devoted to making fun of all things Potter. His stupid arrogance, his stupid hair, his stupid habit of making a joke out of everything, his stupid nonchalance, his stupid ego… Everything about Potter, she mused, had the annoying habit of being stupid.

"Enjoying studying, Evans?" Her head snapped up, and she glared at the person currently taking up residence in her mind. Speak of the devil… Chuckling at her glare, he pulled out the chair next to her and sat down. "What book?" he asked, glasses glinting in the sunlight.

"Transfiguration," she replied, silently cursing Potter and all the gods she could think of for placing her in this position that _she did not want to be in, dangit_. Her answer had been short, curt, and intended to ward off any other conversation Potter might want to induce. However, _lucky for her_, she added gloomily, Potter was in a rather talkative mood, and ignored her brusque tone and aloof expression. "Soooo…" he started, folding his hands together and placing them on the table. He watched the Snitch drift lazily around overhead for a few moments, then glanced sideways at her. "I never thanked you for my birthday present, by the way," he offered up.

Lily wrenched her head out of her book and stared at him. "What birthday present?" she asked, mind racing. As far as she knew, his present was in the trashcan in the Girl's Dormitory, and if Potter had been going through her trash… She grit her teeth.

Beneath his round-rimmed glasses, James' eyes grew slightly alarmed. "The… the one you left me? It was on my bed when I found it, I swear. Little box, gold wrapping, red ribbon, had a little tag that said "From: Lily, To: James" on the outside, the first Snitch I ever caught inside?" he pointed to the Snitch circling dazedly above their heads. "You wrote that on the note inside, at least. I wouldn't really know, so I've just got to trust you, I guess." He chuckled uneasily.

Lily nodded slowly, her brain whirring a mile a minute. His description matched her present perfectly, but how had he gotten it? "How'd you get it, Potter?" She never was one for semantics.

"It was on my bed." He winced at the memory. "Right pain, too- didn't see it at first, so I hopped on my bed, and one of the stupid corners got me in the back." He rubbed the small of his back and looked out of the corner of his eye at Lily, searching for any signs of sympathy.

She, of course, being Lily, gave none. "Good story, Potter. Now, how'd you get it?" She was getting agitated- no one got their birthday presents unless it was from her hands, dangit! Especially Potter. Especially when she hadn't been sure she wanted to give it to him.

James held his right hand up in a mock-oath. "Honest, Evans- I found it on my bed. I thought you put it there. You didn't?" He pushed his glasses up his nose and stared at her intently.

"No, Potter- why would I give it to you?" She almost regretted her words, as Potter looked down at his hands, hurt but unable to hide his emotions for the life of him. He sighed and regarded her calmly.

"I don't know, Evans. Why would you?"

She had no answer. Well, no answer that she'd tell him, anyways. That was the problem with Potter- tell him one good thing about himself, compliment him one time, and he'd swell up like a flipping balloon. It'd take months to get his ego back down to its normal, already hugely over-inflated size again. She slammed her book shut and stood. "I don't believe you," she lied.

He stood up slowly, hackles rising despite his best efforts. No one called James Potter a liar. "I told you, Evans," he stated deliberately, "I found it. What's so hard to believe about that?"

"It's you," she countered dismissively. "You have no regard for personal boundaries. I happen to remember exactly where I put it last, and it was nowhere near your bed, Potter. Tell me- in this fantasy universe where everything revolves around you, do presents normally just walk around into random rooms and sit themselves on the nearest bed?"

"They'd be pretty whorish presents if they did," he grinned, then caught himself at Lily's expression. _Think _before you speak! He scolded himself, his inner monologue sounding a bit too much like Remus for his taste. He crossed his arms. "No, Lily, they don't. And I don't live in a fantasy universe!" He added hotly.

"Could've fooled-"

"Lily?"

Alice's head poked out from behind the bookshelves, blue eyes wide and worried. Lily sighed and turned to face her friend. "Alice, can it wait?"

Alice shook her head vigorously, eyes swimming with tears. Lily turned back to James. "Look, I'm sorry, can we continue this conversation later?"

"Conversation?" James scoffed.

"Yes, James, conversation. Two or more people involved in an exchange of ideas, thoughts, and knowledge- surely even you've heard of it before?"

James sighed and waved his hand towards the forlorn Alice, who was, at the moment, looking for all the world like a kicked puppy. "Go- your friend needs you," he muttered, mouth twisted downwards. He kicked his feet up on the table and looked at her pointedly. "I'll be here when you're done."

Lily hesitated. "I'm sure you've better things to do?"

James chuckled. "Well, of course, but they can wait." He glowered at her. _You called me a liar, woman,_ he raged internally. _Like hell I'm moving from here 'til we've got this ironed out._

Lily glared at him fiercely. James panicked for a second. Had he said that out loud? Yup, he decided as she stalked over to him, Alice forgotten. "Listen up, James," she hissed. "We both can trust that I'm not a liar, and I. Threw. Your. Gift. Out. So how the hell did it get up in your bedroom, if neither of us are-" she cut off, as a pair of heels clicked towards them.

"Well, well, well," sneered Madame Pince, the librarian's assistant. "What have we here? A lover's quarrel, I suppose?" She looked between the two, who were currently glaring daggers at each other. She smirked. "Well, I'm afraid these sorts of things must be taken _outside_ the library." And with that, she grabbed both of them by their collars, led them forcefully to the door, and tossed them into the corridor. "Have a good day," she simpered, and shut the door in their faces. James and Lily looked at each other.

"You-"

"_YOU-"_

"Lily!" The plainative wail came from around the corner, as Alice- quite literally- bumped into James. "Lily," she gasped, "can we please talk?"

"No." James glared at Lily. "Sorry, Alice- we need to figure this out." He said firmly.

Alice pleaded wordlessly with Lily, but Lily was too caught up in the Cold War brewing in front of her. _Cold War, my ass,_ she thought to herself. _Give it ten seconds, and it'll be World War Four._ "I'll be with you in a minute, Alice hon," she responded absent-mindedly, eyes shooting sparks at James.

"ALICE!"

"JAMES!"

The three looked up to see Andy, Zahira, Remus, Sirius, and Peter barreling down on them. It was too late to run from the frenzied pack of teenagers heading towards them with no intention of stopping until they ran them over, so Lily, James, and Alice jumped through the doorway next to them. Unfortunately, however, none of them had first looked into said doorway. Said doorway was not said doorway. Said doorway was, instead, a stairwell. If it could have, the stairwell would have sighed in exasperation as eight teenagers fell, tumbled, slid, bumped, and bruised their way down, yelling out various insults and curses along the way. However, the stairwell was not a person, either. The stairwell was a stairwell, and so it kept its thoughts and opinions of the teenagers to itself, as they landed in an unceremonious heap at the bottom of the stairs.

o.O.o

_A/N- Ok, ok, I know it wasn't all that funny. (I liked the bit about the stairwell at the end, but then, that's my sense of humor. There you go.) I had to get the whole evil "I-will-kill-you" thing going for the next few chapters, so that the make-up scene when all is explained is awkward and sweet and makes people go, "awww...". Because we all secretly like going, "awww...". Anyways, hope you enjoyed! At least a little. Thanks for all the reviewers- you people are simply amazing. As always, I own nothing Potter-verse-wise- JKR owns all. But I am, at the moment, a proud owner of a pumpkin. And a Charlie Brown Christmas tree. What a combination. Until next time!_


	5. Of Bruises and Breaks

"Ow!"

"Owww!"

"_OwowowowOW!"_

"Geroff me, you stupid lump!"

"I can't move, you idiot- there's someone on me!"

"Think you can skip breakfast tomorrow, Andy…"

"It's muscle, not fat, you dunderhead!"

"You sure about that?"

_SMACK._

"OW!"

Grumbling, complaining, arguing and cursing, the Fifth Year Gryffindors slowly untangled themselves from the heap of human bodies at the bottom of the staircase. They checked for injuries- Sirius complained loudly about his spleen, but shut up rather quickly when Zahira taunted him about his lack of ability to take a hit. Once it was apparent that no lasting harm was done by their tumble down the staircase of doom, however…

"You called me a liar!"

"You're the one that lied!"

"I did not! I found it on my bed!"

"There is no way you just _found _it on your bed, Potter!"

"Well, then how'd it get there?"

"You're the evil mastermind here- you tell me!"

"You think I'm an evil mastermind?"

"_Not the point, Potter!"_

"Fine, fine. But I didn't go anywhere near your room."

"You've done it thousands of times, Potter- now I'm just supposed to believe you because you say so?"

"No. You're supposed to believe me because _I'm not lying_."

"Ohhh, this is shaping up to be a big one," Zahira murmured to Sirius from the sidelines.

"And a very interesting one, too," he replied.

She looked at him questioningly. He shrugged.

"Hey, at least it's not about homework or something stupid like that."

"Yeah, but now it's turned into them calling each other liars. Not very original."

"Do you have anything better to do?"

"Not really."

Sirius looked toward the pair in front of them, nose to nose, shouting in each other's faces. He pulled a bag of cookies out of his front pocket, opened it, picked one, and chewed contentedly.

"Voila- dinner and a show," he grinned. Zahira snorted, then moved towards the bottom step, where Alice, Andy, Remus, and Peter were seated, watching the spectacle.

"So we've decided we're not interfering?" she asked, seating herself next to Remus.

"Yup," the others agreed, not looking away.

"Any particular reason why?" she persisted, biting back a grin at their actions- it was like asking her little brother questions when he was playing video games, for goodness' sake. Well, at least this had to be better than video games for her friend's young, still-developing minds...

"It's a big one," Remus answered at last.

"And we don't want to get our heads ripped off," Peter added.

"Come on, you guys- he'd never do anything to hurt you." Andy interjected.

"Oh, he wouldn't. But Lily?" Remus shook his head. "We'd rather not take the chance."

Sirius, leaning against the wall, chuckled. "James says it's the 'nature of the beast'. It's all fun and games til she jinxes him. Then we'll get involved." The other boys nodded in agreement.

"That's… very well planned-out," Zahira murmured, slightly impressed.

"We are Marauders, you know," Remus reminded her.

She turned to look at him incredulously. "You guys actually plan out that stuff?"

Three boys immediately smacked their hands to their foreheads.

"Yes, Zee-Zee," Sirius groaned. "Yes, as a matter of fact, we do…"

"Hey, guys," Andy waved her hand to get their attention, "I think it's about to turn-"

_SMACK._

"-interesting.", Andy finished. James held his hand up to his cheek, staring at Lily, who was quaking with rage.

"How. Dare. You." The words were true to the script, but the speaker was wrong- that was Lily's line, not James'. He advanced on her, forcing her to step back, and then another, and another, as he glowered at her. "How. Dare. You." He repeated. She glared back at him, just as vehemently.

"How dare I? How dare I what, Potter? Suggest you aren't perfect? Suggest you have flaws? Suggest your arrogance might be misplaced?"

"Oh, trust me, love, I've got plenty of flaws, and I'm not afraid to admit them- unlike you, I might add. But of my many flaws, Miss Evans," he crossed his arms, "lying is not among them."

"What do you mean "unlike me"?"

"Look, Evans," he sighed, "you know and I know you aren't the perfect person you pretend to be."

"Oh, no," Andy whispered.

"He did _not _just go there," Zahira groaned, head in hands.

"You're rude, arrogant, condescending, and downright mean."

"I am not! Name one time."

"Right here. Right now. To me."

Lily opened her mouth, then shut it, shocked.

"Yeah, that's what I thought," he chuckled a bit darkly.

"But- that- you deserve it!"

"Really? More than those Slytherins who call you foul names behind your back? You treat them with more kindness than you do me."

"Well, that's diff-"

"No, it isn't, Evans." James gazed at her, his face emotionless, save his hot, burning eyes. "Everyone else automatically gets your respect, your kindness. What's it going to take for you to not treat me like crap?"

She stared at him, unable to formulate a response.

"I'll see you around, Evans," he grabbed the Snitch lazily fluttering around his head, turned on his heel, and walked away, leaving his three best friends, the girl he loved, and her friends staring open-mouthed after him.

"Holy crap. He actually did it." Remus whispered.

Andy turned to him. "Did what?" she demanded, gaze suspicious.

He sighed. "You have to have noticed that he's the only person in the entire castle she's not nice towards," he started. At Andy, Zahira, and Alice's nods, he continued. "I just suggested that he ask why. Not during an argument, of course, but, you know, sometime when they're not arguing."

"Which is almost never." Zahira commented.

"Well, yeah, I also suggested not asking her out every day might reduce the number of arguments, but he didn't seem to like that…"

Andy looked at the three boys strangely. "Shouldn't you be following him?"

Peter glanced up, confused. "Why?"

"He might actually want time alone, Andy." Remus told her. "He was really vulnerable for a few minutes there- he needs time to collect and think through what just happened."

"Uh… Remus?" Sirius snickered. "Have you been reading women's magazines again?"

"No! I don't know what you're talking about!"

"Sure… I know all about your secret Witch Weekly stash…"

"Damnit, Sirius, for the last time, they have the best Honeydukes' coupons! That's the only reason I get them!"

"Oh, sorry, forgot," Sirius leaned down to Zahira to whisper conspiratorially, "It's all about the chocolate with him… Anything for a nice piece of chocolate," he winked. She laughed, and stood up.

"Well, gentlemen," she grinned, "while you males may work that way, I'm afraid the female mind does not. I believe our lovely Lily is on the verge of an epiphany, so we'll just be on our way now." With that, the three girls towed Lily, who still had not moved from her spot, out the door and back to the Gryffindor fifth year girls' dormitory. The boys stared after them.

Then, "I am so glad, I'm not a girl," Peter broke the silence.

"…yup." Sirius and Remus nodded fervently in agreement.

"You think we've given him enough time, oh emotional one?" Sirius quipped, smirking at Remus. Remus reached over and shoved his legs. "Hey, hey, hey!" Sirius laughed freely. "You're the one hiding Witch Weekly…"

"_It's for the coupons, damnit!"_

"Whatever you say, Remus…"

Remus groaned and stood, stretching his long, lanky legs. "But yeah, I think it's about time we find him. Preferably before he throws himself off the Astronomy Tower."

"Or decides to retaliate by pulling a prank on Lily," Peter added, rolling his eyes.

"Oh, Merlin, he would do that, too… Alright, men, fall in line!" Remus commanded, racing up the steps.

"Tell me why again pranking Lily is a bad idea?" Sirius' voice echoed up the steps. Remus sighed and chose to ignore it, focusing instead on finding Potter before he did anything too utterly stupid.

o.O.o

_A/N- Hey, guys! So, the Big Fight is more from the view of the friends- I do believe there's someone somewhere who said, "To know the true character of a person, look at his friends." Also, you know, "Birds of a feather flock together." The point being, our friends often tell more about us than we could about ourselves. This could have been a little longer- I was originally going to combine this and the next chapter into one- but... yeah. This took a little longer than I thought it would (word-wise, not time-wise). I was a little worried about James being ooc, but at the same time, he can't always be jokey- there is, after all, a deeper side to him, one that's truly hurt by the callous, thoughtless way Lily treats him. (Which isn't totally ooc, now that I think about it- in the famous "Snape/Lily/James Encounter By The Lake As Seen In The Pensieve Through Harry's Eyes", it does mention that James was perturbed. So yays for not complete ooc-ness!) ANYWAYS- (geez, I'm long-winded in these), hope you enjoyed, I own nothing Potter-verse-wise, and reviews are always always always welcome! I am muchly like Remus and his chocolate in my relationship to reviews. They're kind of amazing. Reviews, that is. Also, chocolate._


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